Despite the fact that its exact location is shrouded in secrecy, you may have correctly deduced that Retirement Acres is located in the South. School pride runs deep here. Inflatable mascots go up on Thursday, porch flags get raised on Friday, and by Saturday long-held school-related grudges have started to flair. If you have a … Continue reading GRAB YOUR PITCHFO–What? Yeah, a handrake is fine
It took a while for my office to catch up to technology. Which is why I didn’t realize the Retirement Acres police were on the other end of the line. “Workplace, this is Robin.” “This is the Retirement Acres police. Is this Robin of Chez Auto?” I’m really bad at math, which is why I … Continue reading The Unexpected Criminal
“Huh. An Avengers half marathon. That looks like fun. Too bad I’m not a runner.” That was it. That was what I thought of the first post I saw about the Avengers half marathon in California that was to be held the following November. I mentioned as much to Mom over lunch at the … Continue reading It’s a marathon, not a sprint
Mom & Dad: Mom and Dad. The owners and proprietors of Chez Auto. Mom is retired. Dad is a retired engineer, which is at least twice as dangerous. Guardians of: 426, Tiller, Wyoming, and Wayne: their dogs Brother: their son and my brother. He has his moments. And also a wife, who would prefer to … Continue reading The Retirement Acres Dramatis Personae (Subject to change)
In Retirement Acres, nature abhors a vacuum. Specifically, it abhors the vacuum it sees around a single woman. So they’re constantly trying to fix it. Whoa Nelly. It started one Sunday, when an older lady rushed to hug me after the service. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Mrs B announced, … Continue reading Dating in Retirement Acres
Holidays in Retirement Acres are no laughing matter. Indeed, the police have been called multiple times to settle arguments about Halloween or Christmas decorations that disturbed one neighbor or another by crossing property lines. Nobody ever considers the line of good taste, but that’s a different story for a different day. “You have to speak … Continue reading The Ashes, The Cat, and the Locomotive
Retirement Acres is located not far, as the crow flies, from a nuclear plant. This in and of itself is not a tremendous cause for concern; indeed, many of the denizens of Retirement Acres spent their careers there. However, because of reasons, the first Wednesday of every month is Nuclear Plant Siren Testing Day. Over … Continue reading Now We Shall Sing You the Song of Our People.
(Author’s note: This story is going to seem like it’s religious in nature. It isn’t.) It is difficult approaching impossible to get people to speak at the Children’s Moment sessions at the Retirement Acres church. Dealing with grandkids is one thing; speaking in front of the whole congregation is why we pay the preacher. Nevertheless, … Continue reading Get Me to the Church On Time
Retirement Acres is the probably-not-fictional-enough neighborhood inhabited by my parents and an assorted cast of characters (human and pet) that suffer through far more adventures than should be statistically possible. These are some of their stories. Names have been changed to protect myself, because if they ever figure out the internet...I’m hosed.