"Can you come down here," Mrs. PastorInTraining asked, her tone chipper and upbeat, like she'd just bested Mrs. Preacher. "We need some help and you were the first person I thought about." I should have just hung up the phone and moved to Brazil.  I hear Brazil is quite nice, and very festive certain times … Continue reading It’s The Little Things →

There used to be two ways to tell that Thanksgiving had come to Retirement Acres. The first was the dulcet sound of Mr. V's leaf blower, which he would crank at 6 am to make sure we didn't sleep through a single second of the day. That ended the year my brother went out (at … Continue reading No Place Like Home →

It was the end of the service. Time to greet everyone to whom you hadn't already spoken and to shake hands with the preacher on the way out. "That thing got a Hemi in it?" Mr TransferFromAnotherChurch asked for the tenth week in a row. He gets some slack because his wife passed on recently, … Continue reading I’ll Get To It Later →

Despite the fact that its exact location is shrouded in secrecy, you may have correctly deduced that Retirement Acres is located in the South. School pride runs deep here. Inflatable mascots go up on Thursday, porch flags get raised on Friday, and by Saturday long-held school-related grudges have started to flair. If you have a … Continue reading GRAB YOUR PITCHFO–What? Yeah, a handrake is fine →

It took a while for my office to catch up to technology. Which is why I didn’t realize the Retirement Acres police were on the other end of the line. “Workplace, this is Robin.” “This is the Retirement Acres police. Is this Robin of Chez Auto?” I’m really bad at math, which is why I … Continue reading The Unexpected Criminal →

“Huh. An Avengers half marathon.  That looks like fun.  Too bad I’m not a runner.”   That was it. That was what I thought of the first post I saw about the Avengers half marathon in California that was to be held the following November.  I mentioned as much to Mom over lunch at the … Continue reading It’s a marathon, not a sprint →

Mom & Dad: Mom and Dad. The owners and proprietors of Chez Auto. Mom is retired. Dad is a retired engineer, which is at least twice as dangerous.  Guardians of: 426, Tiller, Wyoming, and Wayne: their dogs Brother: their son and my brother. He has his moments. And also a wife, who would prefer to … Continue reading The Retirement Acres Dramatis Personae (Subject to change) →

In Retirement Acres, nature abhors a vacuum. Specifically, it abhors the vacuum it sees around a single woman.  So they’re constantly trying to fix it. Whoa Nelly. It started one Sunday, when an older lady rushed to hug me after the service. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Mrs B announced, … Continue reading Dating in Retirement Acres →

Holidays in Retirement Acres are no laughing matter. Indeed, the police have been called multiple times to settle arguments about Halloween or Christmas decorations that disturbed one neighbor or another by crossing property lines.  Nobody ever considers the line of good taste, but that’s a different story for a different day. “You have to speak … Continue reading The Ashes, The Cat, and the Locomotive →

Retirement Acres is located not far, as the crow flies, from a nuclear plant. This in and of itself is not a tremendous cause for concern; indeed, many of the denizens of Retirement Acres spent their careers there.  However, because of reasons, the first Wednesday of every month is Nuclear Plant Siren Testing Day.  Over … Continue reading Now We Shall Sing You the Song of Our People. →