GRAB YOUR PITCHFO–What? Yeah, a handrake is fine

Despite the fact that its exact location is shrouded in secrecy, you may have correctly deduced that Retirement Acres is located in the South.

School pride runs deep here. Inflatable mascots go up on Thursday, porch flags get raised on Friday, and by Saturday long-held school-related grudges have started to flair. If you have a University of Florida bumper sticker, don’t expect the right of way at the yield sign.

This particular fine fall morning, our residents were settling in for the day with  Bojangles, coffee, and SportsCenter. Just as the Arkansas/LSU (if I have to pick a side there, Geaux Tigers.)(meh) was about to kick off, from the west came a loud, earth-shattering kaboom.

Every dog in the neighborhood, and some of the cats, sprang to high alert, ready to defend the bacon against explosive marauders. (If Retirement Acres ever gets a band, they won’t be called the Explosive Marauders).

“You heard that?” Mom asked, just to be sure. 

“Yes,” Wayne (the dog) and I agreed. 

“Did you also see that big flash?” I asked. “Just before the kaboom?”

I may be hallucinating, but in Retirement Acres, eyesight is not what it used to be.

“Let me check the news,” Mom offered. She never ever surrenders control of the remote, so there’s no need to agree or disagree. 

That was when we noticed the picture had frozen. (LSU’s ball on the 45).

“We are sorry,” the tv said. “We cannot connect to the platform at this time. Please check again later or call us if you have no will to live anyway.”

“Call them,” she said. “It’s only five hours until our game starts.”

No dial tone, because they have their phone through the cable company.

Friends, today will long be remembered as the Veterans Day march on the cable company, as roughly 1/3 of the SEC is unable to view their games.

Or the March might stop at the home of the Frogman, the only residents who have a different cable company.

Except that they’re Oklahoma State fans.

Light a candle for the touchdown gods, readers.


3 thoughts on “GRAB YOUR PITCHFO–What? Yeah, a handrake is fine

    1. LSU best Arkansas 33-10, it took two solid hours for services to be restored, and another nearly 24 for ESPN to make it back. Even if the cable company were still taking calls, they couldn’t explain why that was.


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