Here at Retirement Acres Utility District East, we have just undergone a move. Anyone who works in corporate America can tell you this is both a special sort of hell while also liberating. Between cries of "Has anyone seen my coffee cup/wedding photo/budget for next year?!" are quiet phone calls: "No, I haven't seen that … Continue reading Please Pass The Pie One Office to the Left
Tag: talesfromretirementacres
The Perils of Take-out
"I'm taking 426 out," Dad announced. Same time as last night. "The vet says walking is good for him." The cardiologist says walking is good for Dad, too. And Dad has never sneaked down to the basement, catapulted himself off the stairs, and dived head first into another much larger dog's food bin. (A much … Continue reading The Perils of Take-out
The Unplanned Plant
"Ask Vi if she bought a plant last night," Firebug instructed. She had not. Finally, more or less convinced that we were not to blame, he hung up, on to his next unpleasant task. Vi stirred her coffee. "Are you sure you didn't buy a gas plant, Miss Robin? I'm not sure you keep up … Continue reading The Unplanned Plant
Retirement Acres and the Unplanned Burn
It was early on a Friday morning when my boss, Firebug, called my desk at Retirement Acres Utility District. "You promised you were going to be out all day," I said wearily. "I am," he promised. "Except that I picked up the paper on the way out of town this morning." He was going to … Continue reading Retirement Acres and the Unplanned Burn
The wheels on the bus
(For Jenna Snow.) Brother returned to Retirement Acres one afternoon, tired from a day of slogging tires. It was his job, see: to sell reproduction tires for vintage cars. Chez Auto was easily one of his best customers. "Do we have anything to drink here?" he asked. I looked up from my book, my finger … Continue reading The wheels on the bus
Retirement Acres vs The 20th Century
Some things come slow to Retirement Acres. You would not, for example, want to base your fashion purchases off what they wear, unless you're into a retro kind of vibe. And that's more of a "comfortable retro" look than a "look what Grandma has!" look. Except for Chez Auto, you might not want to shop … Continue reading Retirement Acres vs The 20th Century
A Holiday Postcard
Dear readers, It is the day before Christmas Eve here in Retirement Acres. Errands are being run. Grocery stores get emptier by the moment. Arguments spill forth from houses over why the stupid son in law decided to park the right there. Obviously the minivan should be over there, which would be perfectly plain if … Continue reading A Holiday Postcard
It’s The Little Things
"Can you come down here," Mrs. PastorInTraining asked, her tone chipper and upbeat, like she'd just bested Mrs. Preacher. "We need some help and you were the first person I thought about." I should have just hung up the phone and moved to Brazil. I hear Brazil is quite nice, and very festive certain times … Continue reading It’s The Little Things
No Place Like Home
There used to be two ways to tell that Thanksgiving had come to Retirement Acres. The first was the dulcet sound of Mr. V's leaf blower, which he would crank at 6 am to make sure we didn't sleep through a single second of the day. That ended the year my brother went out (at … Continue reading No Place Like Home
I’ll Get To It Later
It was the end of the service. Time to greet everyone to whom you hadn't already spoken and to shake hands with the preacher on the way out. "That thing got a Hemi in it?" Mr TransferFromAnotherChurch asked for the tenth week in a row. He gets some slack because his wife passed on recently, … Continue reading I’ll Get To It Later
