The Ranch Hand Job

“I don’t suppose you want to go to an exhibit next Saturday on the treasures of the British monarchy?” Ophelia asked one morning over breakfast. She was reading her emails while eating pancakes; since Eliot had made the pancakes, the emails didn’t stand a chance of claiming more than half her attention.

“I don’t,” Eliot answered, “but why would you assume that?” He offered her a forkful of his pancakes to save her the trouble of reaching over with her own fork.

“Lucky guess,” she said. “Plus I think you said you had plans. But I have three tickets. I thought I’d offer you the right of first refusal. You know, before I give them to someone else who does not make that face at the idea.”

“What face? I’m not making a face!” He looked at Devil. “Am I making a face?” The dog barked in the affirmative; so maybe he was.

“It’s a very distinctive face,” she answered. “You’re definitely a no, right?”

“Did you order tickets for that? Or enter a contest or something?” he asked. Sure, it was a history exhibit at a museum, and those were both things in which she was interested; he was just deeply suspicious of free tickets to anything that Parker hadn’t personally stolen. Actually, the idea of tickets to anything was more of a concept than a concrete reality to him.

“My mother was instrumental in putting the exhibit together,” she commented. “The museum called and offered them as a token of appreciation.”

“Is your mother in town with the exhibit?”

“Nope.”

The matter rested there as they continued their breakfast and conversation about other things. He wondered idly if the tickets were her mother’s idea of a wedding gift, but he wasn’t clear whether she’d actually told her parents she’d married someone or how she might have described him. He guessed it was possible she’d provided them a forwarding address, since they occasionally sent postcards from wherever they landed, but he wouldn’t have bet the place on the idea. It was probably a thing she’d meant to do but then didn’t. Regardless, he didn’t think about the exhibit again until the following Saturday when Ophelia was getting ready to leave and meet…he hadn’t actually asked who the lucky recipients of the other tickets were.

“You look cute,” he observed when she came downstairs Saturday morning. She did; dressing for a girls’ day out at a museum was the sort of opportunity she enjoyed. Her outfit was very 21^st-century Elizabethan, or a look she had once referred to as “tits out for England.” To his disappointment and relief, it was not.

“Thanks! I’m running late, I’m supposed to meet Parker a little earlier than Melanie for lunch.”

“You’re taking Parker?!”

“I thought she’d like it,” Ophelia said defensively. “You don’t think she will?”

There was no good way for him to explain before he was obligated to get out of her way and let her go. He’d deal with the consequences later.

“Are you taking the Jeep?” he asked, because this morning needed that confusion too, and he had forgotten to ask earlier.

“I…yes? Unless you would like the Jeep today?” To Ophelia, there was no downside; if Eliot took the Jeep, she got the Challenger. He was happy, she was delighted. For the life of him, he did not understand why she didn’t just ask to drive it more often.

“I’m meeting some buddies at a ranch north of town,” he said. “And everyone who has a dog was invited to bring theirs. If you don’t mind and Devil doesn’t have other plans, I thought I’d take him. Which means taking the Jeep.” He always thought her smile was pretty, but rarely was it prettier than when she realized she got to take his car for the day. He had offered to buy her one of her own, but she seemed to prefer using his. Much like she preferred his bathrobe, most of his sweaters, all of his button down shirts, and the top of every pair of pajamas he owned. In his entire life, he had never owned a pair of pajamas, then Parker gave them matching sets for a wedding gift because he didn’t even know why, he had just thanked her and filed it in his Unexplained Parker file. One night he arrived home to find Ophelia wearing the top to his set, which immediately and forthwith changed his mind about the practicality of a grown-ass man wearing and/or owning pajamas. Despite her excellent fashion sense, he thought she rarely looked better than when she was wearing nothing but his pajama shirt.

“Here,” she said, handing over her keys. Sort of handing them over. She slid them into his pocket. “Do not let Devil get hurt.” While she was wrapped around him anyway, she kissed him again and gave him another set of instructions. “Do not get hurt.”

Devil barked, glad she was concerned for him, but also happy to get to go on an adventure with Eliot. Bonding time!

“He’ll be fine, I promise,” Eliot answered. “I will too. Please try not to get a speeding ticket, and do not under any circumstances let Parker drive my car.”

Parker bounced around the apartment getting ready to meet Ophelia. She was close to driving Hardison insane and not just because he’d been up until 7 am leading a charge with his fellow gamers. That wasn’t helping, but it wasn’t the only reason.

“Do you think this looks okay?” she asked again. She had already changed parts of her outfit four times this morning.

“Parker, it’s lunch and an exhibit at a museum. You look—how many pockets does that have?”

“What?”

“Parker,” he said patiently, “do not steal anything from this exhibit. Say you understand.”

“Hardison—”

“Ophelia’s mom worked on this, and just because they don’t get along doesn’t mean you can steal things. Ophelia would get in a lot of trouble. If you want something, buy it in the gift shop.”

“They never put the fun stuff in the gift shop,” Parker muttered. “But fine.”

He gave her some money along with another reminder that Ophelia and her friend weren’t thieves, and at least Ophelia’s friend didn’t know Parker was one either so try not to let them find out. She huffed and flounced out the door, eager to get to lunch to see what Ophelia was wearing. The professor’s wardrobe was, Parker assumed, also magic. She always seemed to have exactly the right clothes for wherever they went.

Last Sunday

<REAL FAIRY>: Do you want to go to the museum next Saturday? I have tickets to the new traveling exhibit on the British monarchy.

<Sticky Fingers>: REALLY?! You want to take me?!

<Sticky Fingers>: Wait, shouldn’t you take Sophie? She’s like a princess.

<REAL FAIRY>: She is British. I thought she must have seen most of it.

<Sticky Fingers>: So I can go?!

<REAL FAIRY>: Absolutely. I’m bringing my friend Melanie from work too. We’re having lunch first. Can I count you in?

<Sticky Fingers>: YES!!

The conversation with Dr. Allen had been both more coherent and more disappointing for Dr. Allen when she discovered Eliot would not be joining them at the museum.  This had not stopped Melanie from mentioning the exhibit and Dr. Wes Abernathy in the same sentence in front of the most reliable gossip in Ophelia’s class, and it had furthermore not stopped any of Ophelia’s three classes from doing a deep dive into jewels of the British monarchy and whether Dr. Wes Abernathy had discovered any of them.

“You know that there are very few British jewels that have ever been lost, unless they were from a country from which the British liberated them,” Ophelia had grumbled while she watched the post count go up like numbers on a gas pump as the students put forth theories.

“I know that, you know that, the British museum knows that, but you can’t prove that Dr. Wes Abernathy has never had his hands on them.” She looked meaningfully at the large green stone on Ophelia’s ring. “Also, I’m still into this whole “he’s a vampire who commits crimes” sub-genre.”

Ophelia sighed and scrolled further down the page and considered that a creative writing assignment might calm the little demons down, but would do little to hush up her coworker.

Ophelia asked Parker to meet her at the agreed-upon lunch restaurant a little earlier than she told Melanie they’d be there. Mostly so she could explain Melanie to Parker. There wasn’t going to be a good way to explain Parker to Melanie, and Ophelia was fine with that.

Parker waved from a booth. Ophelia joined her.

“How are you this morning?” Ophelia asked. “Did you have any trouble finding the place?” It was a British tearoom Melanie had suggested, in keeping with the theme for the day.

“Wow, I love your outfit! Did Eliot drop you off?” Parker asked. “I thought I saw his car.”

“I have it,” Ophelia grinned, not flashing the keys at her. “He’s going to a ranch and taking Devil, so he needed the Jeep. We’re trying to keep the dog fur down to one car, plus the seats in the Challenger are a little less Devil-proof. So we get to ride around in style today.”

“Great! Can I drive?”

“Absolutely not,” Ophelia chuckled. “Have you been here very long?”

Melanie arrived a few minutes later, sliding into the booth next to Ophelia.

“Melanie, this is my friend Parker. Parker, this is Melanie. She has the office next to mine and teaches English history.”

“I’m a spy,” Parker said brightly. “I can’t discuss my work.”

The conversation didn’t get less weird from there.

They were on the way to the museum when Eliot called.

“Hey Princess!”

“Hey Jones! What’s up? I didn’t leave the Jeep empty, did I?” She was pretty bad about not realizing the Jeep was low on gas until it yelled at her, and Eliot was positive one time that it had quit on her out of spite. But her relationship with her Jeep and the Jeep’s attitude about that weren’t his problem today.

“No, it’s fine,” he said. “Am I on speakerphone?”

“You are,” she confirmed. “Say hi to Parker and Melanie!”

“Who is Jones? She can’t possibly have another guy on the side,” Melanie whispered to Parker, who couldn’t have been more confused. “And are any of them the pirate she brought to the Faire?” Parker briefly brightened at the thought of making up a pirate backstory for Eliot, because she seldom got to make up backstories but was sure she–

“She should bring him to our History Faire,” Melanie continued, oblivious to Parker’s quick on-set enthusiasm and equally quick deflation. “Does he have any other costumes? Because I think he’d look great as a musketeer.”

“I really need you to stop fantasizing about my husband right in front of me,” Ophelia cut in. At the ranch, Eliot ran a hand over his face and wondered why he hadn’t just sent a text message.

“Anyway!” He tried seizing control of the conversation again, “Princess, some of the guys want to go out after we’re done here, but the bar is no dogs. So I wanted to see if you could meet me here around 5 and we can swap cars. I’m sorry, babe. Hopefully that won’t mess up your day. But I have good news: there’s a dog wash here and everyone goes through it after they’re done on the ranch.”

The long ensuing silence made him rethink his phrasing. On the balance, he stood by his original statement, because he knew how her amazingly dirty mind worked. She might even show up early.

“No problem, Jones. We should be done by then. We look forward to seeing you and Devil in the dog wash around 5. Y’all have a good time!” She ended the call and glanced at her friends. “Does anyone mind a detour this afternoon?”

“Why do you call him Jones?” Melanie asked, which meant Parker didn’t have to. “I thought you said his name was Eliot Spencer?”

“You did?” Parker asked.

“She did, but he said his name was Wes Abernathy, so he’s either two people or one of those names is not his name. I’m hoping he’s two people.” Parker was lost.

“He travels a lot for business,” Ophelia explained, “but he has some pretty strict confidentiality agreements, so I never know what he’s traveling for. When we were first dating, I teased him a lot about being Indiana Jones. It stuck. I like it.”

“He really is an archaeologist, then?”

“Yes,” Parker piped up. Ophelia tried to keep her groan to herself. “He’s really good at it, but he can’t talk a lot about it. He works for the government. It’s really secret stuff.”

Melanie’s gaze met Ophelia’s in the rearview mirror. Ophelia was in no way reassured that the conversation would end there.

Exploring a museum with two professors of history was a unique experience for Parker. Of course, exploring a museum with a thief was something neither of them had done before either, and her discourse on the security system (or lack thereof) was, to choose a word at random, alarming. But Parker was charmed and excited and asked all the questions two professors could hope to answer. She had been of the opinion that Ophelia was magic anyway, and now she thought her friend must be some similar kind of magic, too. Her friend was even nice, which Parker hadn’t expected, and completely willing to explain things in a way Parker understood. She had no idea why people thought professors were so snobby. These two, at least, were super fun.

They were having ice cream after leaving the museum when Eliot texted Ophelia the address of the ranch. She pulled it up on the map, studying routes for a minute.

“Do we need to leave,” Melanie asked, sounding carnivorously eager.

“I think we do,” she said. “Unless you want me to drop you at your car? You don’t have to ride all the way out there if you have something else to do.” Melanie recognized that Ophelia legally had to say that, but could tell her heart wasn’t really in discouraging Melanie, her best friend, from going out to a ranch full of cowboys.

“I totally have time. Don’t you have time, Parker?” Parker looked between them, confused. Of course Parker was going; she loved Ophelia’s dog.

“Parker already knows him,” Ophelia laughed. “At least I won’t have her drooling over him too.”

“Wait, Parker—you know him know him? You don’t just know him through Ophelia? Great! Parker can tell me all the details you left out! I wouldn’t miss this trip!”

“Kinda thought you’d say that,” Ophelia murmured, signaling for the check.

The ride out to the ranch was both long and scenic, because as Parker pointed out, nobody keeps a ranch in town. There was plenty of time to fill Melanie in on some of the many details she did not have, and a few (but not many) tidbits about their tiny little wedding over Fall Break that even Parker had not attended. Melanie sighed at how romantic it was that Eliot surprised Ophelia with a wedding, while also finding it outrageous her colleague didn’t want to have the largest wedding possible to show him off.

“Tell the truth, Melly: if you had someone who looked like him, would you ever let him out of the house? Really?” Ophelia grinned a wicked grin Parker had never seen her use before.

“You mean like kidnapping?” Parker asked, really confused now.

“No, babe,” Ophelia reassured her. “Not like kidnapping.”

“I guess you’re right,” Melanie answered. “Are you even going to send out announcements or anything? You could have at least let us throw you a shower. The girls in your classes are so excited they’re about to explode.”

“I know,” Ophelia said. “But the very last thing we need is a shower.”

“They have one big enough to live in,” Parker offered, which made Melanie gasp with laughter and Ophelia blush to the roots of her hair.

“Wedding shower,” Ophelia yelped. “Where everyone gives you gifts for your new house. But we didn’t need any. We had both way too much stuff to use anyway, plus the stuff we bought because you can’t put old furniture in a new house. If you know someone who needs a sofa, there’s about three we could get rid of today.”

Ophelia didn’t know what she expected from a ranch, but it wasn’t Southfork West. This place was massive, with a sprawling house, a gigantic barn, and a corral that could easily be used for showing horses. The girls parked near the barn and got out, not entirely sure where to go.

<Peaches>: We’re at the barn. Don’t hurry.

<Jones>: Great! We’re still a bit out.

<Peaches>: XX

A tall man, who by Melanie’s estimation was 80% legs, in a cowboy hat emerged from the barn. Ophelia stopped Parker from pointing out that Melanie’s estimated percentages added up to well more than 100% because she just couldn’t with that today. It had been too nice, and clearly remarks like that sailed over Parker’s head. Ophelia had rarely envied someone so much.

“I am so glad we did this,” Melanie whispered.

“You are so bad,” Ophelia whispered back.

“Let’s do cowboy camp next time,” Parker offered. The other two girls nodded; cowboy camp sounded like an excellent idea. Ophelia went to meet the wrangler, her hand extended.

“I’m Ophelia Mason,” she said. “We’re waiting for Eliot Spencer and my dog. Do I need to move the car? I don’t want it to be in anyone’s way.”

“It’ll be fine, ma’am,” he said. For a long moment, Melanie thought he might kiss her hand instead of shake it. “Y’all want a drink or anything while you wait? They’ll be a bit.”

“Water,” Ophelia said. Looking at Melanie, she saw she had correctly intuited Melanie’s inappropriate response and cut it off at the pass, as it were. “If you have some. We’d appreciate it.”

“Spoil sport,” Melanie muttered. She knew Ophelia had accurately read her response and effectively shut her up, but they were here and Ophelia was married now and there was very little except some very worn denim between her and the ranch hand.

“Tart,” Ophelia returned. “Why don’t you follow him.”

“God, I was hoping you’d suggest that. Because I would literally follow him anywhere,” Melanie said.

“That way you have to come back and bring us our drinks,” Ophelia sighed. “And you think I’m going to say that I won’t hesitate to leave you here if you don’t come back, but I do have a certain responsibility to get you back to your car in the shape and clothing in which I found you. So get his number and keep your feet on the ground.”

Melanie made a face over her shoulder as she followed the wrangler and his jeans into the barn, leaving Ophelia and Parker to lean on the fence of the corral.

“So, Melanie’s really into cowboys?” Parker ventured, trying to figure the other professor out. Parker would have sworn she flirted with a security guard at the museum. And the waiter at the ice cream place.

“Melanie’s really into anyone who isn’t tied down, although she’s not really opposed to that either,” Ophelia said absently. “She was dating someone in the Athletics Department, but I’m not sure it worked out. I’m not sure she was hoping it would work out either, though. She’s pretty happy just dating whoever comes along. She could do worse than a wrangler, I guess.”

“Why haven’t you let her meet Eliot?” Parker asked. “Are you afraid he’ll embarrass you?” Ophelia put one arm around Parker’s waist, giving her a quick squeeze.

“Of course not! She’s met him at least twice, plus saw him at the Faire. I just think she wasn’t paying attention. He even used his real name. It’s just…he showed up in one of my classes one day and introduced himself as Dr. Wes Abernathy the archaeologist, and that sort of stuck with everyone. I mean, everyone. My students not only bought it, but I think three of them started checking into him during class. And since that’s how they all refer to him, that’s how almost all the other professors in my department refer to him too. It’s just easier to go with that than to try to get everyone using his real name. I was legitimately terrified that John showing up in my office was going to end in disaster. Although not the disaster it did; I really didn’t think he’d try to break out of jail.”

Parker knew a lot more about that affair than Ophelia did, but Hardison and Eliot had both been adamant that Parker never, ever mention their involvement in his “escape” and subsequent recapture to Ophelia even as a joke. Parker studied her friend’s face for a minute.

“That guy really freaked you out, didn’t he?” she asked quietly.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “I…yeah.”

Parker watched her a while longer in silence, but she wasn’t so lost in thought that she didn’t hear Melanie and the wrangler coming back from the barn. Now the wrangler was blushing too. Parker didn’t get exactly what it was Melanie kept doing to people to make them react that way, but she was confident Ophelia could explain it later.

“Who wants to whet their whistle?” Melanie asked gleefully. “Too bad it’s too cold for a wet t-shirt contest. We’ll have to come back in the spring.”

“We sure will,” Ophelia said, at least appearing to shake off her mood.

“Is there a word for what she is?” Parker whispered.

“Shameless,” Ophelia pronounced. “Shame. Less.”

“They’ll be coming over the hill in about 5 minutes,” the wrangler stammered. “The dogs too. You can sit on the fence if you want to, y’all won’t hurt it. You look pretty light to me.” With that, he turned and walked stiffly towards the huge metal gates, presumably to open them for whoever and whatever would be coming over the hill.

“What did you say to him?” Ophelia demanded, slapping Melanie on the arm. “I swear, I can’t take you anywhere.”

“You shut your trap, Miss Scarlet,” Melanie shot back. “I got his number. Want me to find out if he has a friend, Parker?”

Parker, being the only one of them comfortable with climbing, was already perched on the fence. She hadn’t been able to climb anything all day, and this wasn’t very high, but it would do.

“I’m seeing someone,” she said, with a glance at Ophelia to make sure she’d said the right thing.

“She is,” Ophelia confirmed. “He’s a tech guy. Super smart. Super cute. Super taken. You don’t even need to ask his name.”

“You think he’s cute?” Parker asked.

“Sure,” Ophelia shrugged. She had also climbed to the top of the fence, but was sitting at an angle to the corral owing to her skirt. “He is cute. You’re cute too. But y’all are so much younger than me I think of you like I think of my students.” Sophie had mentioned that Parker tended towards jealousy when it came to Hardison, so whenever Ophelia commented about him in Parker’s presence, she made sure to do it in a way that made clear she did not have designs on him herself, and it was such a habit she continued doing it long after she and Eliot married. Eliot spent a lot of time rolling his eyes at the entire idea.

Melanie hopped up too, far less concerned about her skirt and which direction she was facing. Ophelia knew she had a yearly lingerie budget, so she figured everyone would have a nice view, anyway.

“Is thinking of us like your students a good thing?”

“We should all be lucky enough that someone thinks of us the way Ophelia Mason thinks of her students,” Melanie offered. “Her students are the luckiest people in the world. Ask all the ones who should have failed but didn’t.”

Parker beamed at that, then turned at the sound of what must have been an avalanche coming over the hill.

“Does Eliot ride horses?” Ophelia asked.

“Jesus, tag your porn,” Melanie murmured.

“Yeah,” Parker nodded enthusiastically. “He’s really good at it too. This one time—”

Whatever she said next was drowned out in a wave of thundering horses and barking dogs and shouting cowboys and a lot of dust. With an accuracy Melanie would later describe as sappy, Ophelia picked Eliot out of the crowd almost immediately. Devil, of course, had spotted her and run around the other side of the fence, where he sat barking until she smiled down and told him he was a smart boy for finding her.

“Can I pet him?” Parker asked. Devil backed away.

“I wouldn’t if I were you,” Ophelia cautioned. “Let’s just assume for the moment that he’s just covered in mud. But you can pet him after he’s cleaner and blow dried. Deal?”

“Deal!”

Devil gave Ophelia a look that said extra treats were going to be mandatory, but then his doggy grin returned as his tail whipped up more dust. This place was the best!

Eliot pulled the bandanna off his face and waved before he wheeled his horse around to where they sat on the top rail of the fence.

“Was there any rope in that barn?” Ophelia was between Parker and Melanie.

“Listen here, I resent that you are asking me and that I didn’t even think to look for it, but probably. Why?”

“Eliot has some in his trunk,” Parker volunteered. Ophelia and Melanie both looked at her. “For emergencies. You know. Rope emergencies?” They nodded slowly; Ophelia smiled to let her know that had been a helpful answer. She did it so often she barely noticed, but Eliot had pointed out that some of her smiles were a lot more strained than others, and he kept track because he thought it was hilarious watching her try to act like Parker was perfectly normal and like any of her other friends when she absolutely was not. “Why do you need rope?”

“I’m gonna need you to tie me to a railroad track,” Ophelia said. “And you two will do this to me because you’re my friends and because I am absolutely begging you to do this for me.”

“Okay, but you owe me all the filthy details,” Melanie replied. “He is so hot. He better not have a brother you’re hiding from me.”

Eliot had reached them by then, nodding to Parker and winking at Melanie, because he did in fact remember meeting her at least twice.

“Didja have fun ridin’ the range, cowboy?” Ophelia asked in her best radio cowgirl voice.

“We did,” he smiled. “Devil did too. He can’t wait to tell you about it. As soon as he gets out of the bath,” he said, loud enough for Devil to hear. The dog looked to the rest of the pack and barked excitedly, following them off to what was presumably the largest, dustiest dog wash west of the Pecos.

“How was the exhibit?”

“Great! All the stuff is definitely still there and you don’t need to check,” Parker answered. Eliot bit down on his groan. “But we’re doing cowboy camp next time!”

“The vote was unanimous,” Melanie agreed.

Eliot grinned and looked back to Ophelia.

“Didn’t know you liked cowboys,” he drawled. “Some pretty little fillies like you would be welcome out here.”

“Hey, Spencer!” another cowboy shouted, loping over to meet them as he was already unhorsed. “How did you get all the women waiting for you?”

Ophelia kicked Melanie in the ankle before she could speak.

“Spencer, you left out a lot of details in your debrief about this marriage situation. I think I see why. But what I can’t figure out is how come you didn’t mention either of her pretty friends. Might have kept us off the scent for a while.”

“Calm down, Thompson,” he said. “This is my wife Dr. Mason, and I’m ordering you to stop staring at her like that.”

“You’re a doctor? Well, Dr. Mason, if you ever need someone to play—”

“I will run over you with your own horse,” Eliot interrupted. Thompson grinned at him. “These are her friends Melanie and Parker.” Introducing Parker as Ophelia’s friend would save him from having to answer a lot of questions he’d rather not.

“Melanie’s single,” Ophelia volunteered. “Just ask her.”

Parker was rubbing the nose of Eliot’s horse, but stopped to shake hands with Thompson. She could be polite; Sophie taught her how. Melanie hopped down and came to stand by Parker.

“I’ve got your keys,” Ophelia told Eliot. “And your car is by the barn. But I don’t see my Jeep anywhere. Is there a scavenger hunt? Do I have to find it?” She paused for a moment then gave him a look he knew well. “Did bandits steal it?”

“I can take you to it,” Eliot offered, nodding that he got her comment. Parker stared at Melanie who was openly flirting with Eliot’s friend. Neither girl noticed the glance that passed between them, although only Melanie would have realized what she’d seen. “Want me to?”

“I would be quite charmed if you showed me,” she answered in her flirty belle voice, mostly because he had mentioned he liked it. In fact he loved it. “Unless you’re in a hurry to get on outta here, I mean. Then Devil can show me.” She didn’t know how many of his friends were married or had girlfriends or whatever, but didn’t want to be the buzzkill for the obvious great time they were having.

“Never send a dog to do a man’s job,” he said, immediately before he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her on to his horse, her shriek barely audible over all the other noise. “Ladies, stay out of trouble for a little bit, okay? I’d hate to get a posse out on two girls as pretty as you!”

Ophelia waved over his shoulder with one hand as they rode out of the corral and off into the woods.

“I think I hate her,” Melanie said to Parker.

“She left you an entire corral of cowboys,” Parker pointed out. “It’s not like we’ll be bored.”

Melanie flashed a grin at her.

“I see why she likes you so much. Come on, let’s go find out who needs help with their saddle and boots, shall we?”

Eliot and Ophelia rode for a while before they reached a little used out-building. Eliot stopped the horse and helped her off, then stepped off himself, dropping the reins over the horse’s head.

“Did you find the place okay? You didn’t get lost or anything, did you?”

“Yeah, it was easy to find. The drive out was really pretty.” He was a little skeptical, because he knew how she drove his car on open road, and the one coming out here was both wide and straight. He’d be surprised if it hadn’t rolled up, cartoon style, behind the tires.

“What’s happening here,” she asked, looking around and not seeing anything but trees. “Are you the Texas Ranger who just saved me from a group of bank robbers? Or are you the bank robber and I’m the hostage you didn’t expect to take?”

“I—,” he tried to keep a straight face, but this was honestly the response he’d hoped for. Something he had not anticipated when he started dating a writer was her capacity to come up with enough unlikely yet outrageous romance novel plots to keep him entertained for decades. He was not generally tasked with planning jobs, but now at least some part of his mind was always occupied with how to get her alone and let her imagination run riot all over him.

“Wait! I have one more!”

“Just one?” She was a teacher; multiple choice was her favorite kind of question. He always appreciated and was impressed by the number of things she could come up with after having been given little to no time to prepare.

“Am I the runaway frontier bride and you’re the bounty hunter who’s come to bring me back without even hearing my story?”

He laughed and pulled her into his best wild west kiss. She barely even bothered to break it with her last suggestion of the afternoon.

“Or I’m—”

“You’re the bandit,” he guessed. “And I have to track you down.”

“You got there before me,” she answered in mock outrage.

“I know: you weren’t expecting it because it never happens,” he teased, getting back to their unfinished kiss.

“I love the way your mind works,” he said a not insignificant amount of time later. “I just wanted to see you for a few minutes. But just so you know, we can explore, just, any of those things later if you want to. Or all of them, you know, if you wanted to.”

“You keep trying to convince me you don’t like costume dramas,” she laughed, laying her head on his shoulder. “I’m not sure I believe you. Also: this is a good look for you. I had no idea you were a part-time cowboy. Is this what you did?”

“Nah, but Thompson was cavalry. His family always had horses. I just like them.” He took a step back to look at her. “Do you ride?”

“Yes, I absolutely do,” she nodded. “If the horse knows where it’s going and it’s not in a hurry to get there. Which is a little like being a passenger on a horse.”

“Would you like to learn to drive a horse?” he chuckled. At least she admitted she wasn’t good at it; that was a time saver.

“Nobody calls it that, do they?”

“Nope. But I could teach you if you wanted to learn how.”

“I think that sounds fun! I’d love to! How are you going to break it to the horse?”

“We’ll pick one that’s understanding,” he said. His glance took in her outfit again. “Maybe an older one.”

She kissed him for a really long time.

“I’m going to get you dusty,” he warned.

“Don’t threaten me with a good time. Besides, figuring out how I got into this shape will give Melanie something to think about on the way back. Speaking of: Do we need to get back so you and your friends can invade the town?”

“We’re not exactly invading,” he scoffed, then remembered he had said exactly the same thing about exactly this group before. The only difference was that actually had been an invasion and this was probably just going to be a trip to the bar. Probably. Almost definitely. “I can call out. I don’t have to go out with these guys tonight.”

“Don’t do that. Y’all go and have a good time, and I’ll take the girls and Devil and we’ll go to Hardison’s and have a drink and I’ll see you when you get home. Okay?”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Fine, but when I get back we’re going to talk about this Wild West fantasy world of yours.”

“Kiss me again,” she requested, but in Russian.

“That’s not western,” he answered a good bit later.

“Lots of places have a west.”

He couldn’t reasonably argue with that.

“You didn’t meet all these people today, did you? You all knew each other before today?”

She was expressing the safest curiosity she could, he knew from experience. And if they weren’t distracted with some kind of talk, they might not make it back to the barn before the sun set.

“No, I know them all,” he said. “We’ve worked together before. But not usually all in the same unit.”

“Oh,” she said. “Do you get together very often?”

“Some more than others,” he said vaguely. “A couple of guys were in from out of town. One guy has a place outside of Las Vegas, so we go there sometimes.” They rode in silence for a minute. “Is that a problem?”

“No,” she said. “I just wondered if there were always horses involved. Or ranches.”

He really hoped she didn’t ask a lot of follow up questions along those lines.

“The last time you were all together, what did you do?”

“Liberated Bosnia,” he admitted. She fell against him, laughing.

“Never change, Jones. Never change.”

“Seriously,” she said, mock disappointed. “The Jeep was on the other side of the barn? You could have told me that. It wouldn’t have been any trouble to walk.”

“It wouldn’t have been,” he admitted, “but then I wouldn’t have had you on a horse, now would I?”

She didn’t answer, just arched an eyebrow at him.

“Point taken, but it sounds better my way.”

She leaned in to kiss him while they were still out of view of his friends.

“My reputation, sir!” she laughed.

“Come on, you liked it.” She had.

“I…yeah, I did.”

They walked back through the barn with Eliot leading the horse to find Parker sitting on the fence talking to two cowboys about Eliot didn’t even want to know what, while another appeared to be attempting to teach Melanie how to lasso something.

“She’s doing that on purpose,” Ophelia said to Eliot after she watched for a few minutes.

“She has to be,” he answered. “And she’s doing a pretty damn good job of whatever it is.”

“Is he married?”

“Not right now,” Eliot said. “Just divorced wife number 3. I think he’s in the market.”

“What a happy coincidence, so is she.”

“You know there is nothing I can say to that where ‘the high bidder’ isn’t a feature, right?”

“She asked this morning if you’d…never mind. I don’t want to put that out in the universe.”

He kissed her on the cheek, laughing at the idea, not even considering what Melanie might have suggested. The first couple of times, he’d been amused by Ophelia’s blush and asked. She’d repeated Melanie’s comments verbatim. He found he could still be shocked.

In the time they’d been on their excursion, the dogs had been washed and dried and were now running around the fence, chasing each other. Eliot and Ophelia cut Devil from the pack, then Ophelia sent Eliot in to pull Melanie off the cowboy before the lasso became so hopelessly tangled they had to ask Parker to deal with it. Devil was thrilled to see her; Melanie was not so much, and then they all had to negotiate for who got to sit where in the Jeep.

“I’ll be late,” Eliot said. “Don’t worry.”

“I’ll be home, seeing what I have in the way of western wear,” she answered. “Take your time.”

“You dirty, underhanded little tease,” he marveled, kissing her on the corner of her mouth when she grinned.

“We’re going for drinks then I’ll be home. Call me if you need me to come get you, okay? I don’t mind.”

“Will you two get a room,” Melanie shouted from the passenger seat. Devil, who was in the back closest to Parker and didn’t care for it, barked too.

“Spencer!” someone shouted from the barn. “Get a move on! Unhand that little lady before we call the sheriff on you!”

“See you tonight,” they said.

On the whole, Ophelia was just as happy not to spend a loud evening out with his friends. Her friends were a handful, but there was only the slimmest chance that someone would call the police on them. And even then, Melanie could probably talk them down from drunk driving charges to prostitution charges. Parker could probably pick handcuffs as well as she could anything else. Ophelia thought longingly of the quiet of her new house before making the turn to Hardison’s bar, where they found a collection of her and Melanie’s students watching a basketball game. The way the student message board lit up after Melanie announced she had seen Dr. Wes Abernathy riding a horse like he’d done it every day of his life was a problem Ophelia felt was best dealt with at another time and by someone else.

It was very late that night when Eliot arrived back at the house. He was tired and sore and the thought crossed his mind that maybe he was getting too old for this. He took a shower to get the smell of the barn and bar off him, then climbed into bed as quietly as he could, considering that everything hurt.

“Did you have a good time?” she mumbled, still mostly asleep.

“We did, Princess.”

“Is Portland still standing?”

“Most of it.”

“You wanna keep your boots on?”

As he got back out of bed, he decided he could deal with her laughter later.