In Retirement Acres, nature abhors a vacuum. Specifically, it abhors the vacuum it sees around a single woman. So they’re constantly trying to fix it. Whoa Nelly. It started one Sunday, when an older lady rushed to hug me after the service. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Mrs B announced, … Continue reading Dating in Retirement Acres
Holidays in Retirement Acres are no laughing matter. Indeed, the police have been called multiple times to settle arguments about Halloween or Christmas decorations that disturbed one neighbor or another by crossing property lines. Nobody ever considers the line of good taste, but that’s a different story for a different day. “You have to speak … Continue reading The Ashes, The Cat, and the Locomotive
Retirement Acres is located not far, as the crow flies, from a nuclear plant. This in and of itself is not a tremendous cause for concern; indeed, many of the denizens of Retirement Acres spent their careers there. However, because of reasons, the first Wednesday of every month is Nuclear Plant Siren Testing Day. Over … Continue reading Now We Shall Sing You the Song of Our People.
(Author’s note: This story is going to seem like it’s religious in nature. It isn’t.) It is difficult approaching impossible to get people to speak at the Children’s Moment sessions at the Retirement Acres church. Dealing with grandkids is one thing; speaking in front of the whole congregation is why we pay the preacher. Nevertheless, … Continue reading Get Me to the Church On Time
But to tell that story, first I have to tell this story. Late one night, by their standards, Mom and Dad went for a walk with the dogs. The dogs, being dogs, didn’t really care about the time. The lab would have just as soon stayed on the couch watching her favorite shows; the German … Continue reading Her Name was Lola…
Have I told y’all about the neighborhood my parents live in? Well, strap in because I’m about to. For reasons that are reasons, after completing my Cap shield last week, we’re making a second one. Which we were working on Friday when the lawn/odd jobs man (he built a deck and a bathroom for the … Continue reading Friday in Retirement Acres
Miss Connie and her husband are on vacation, so their daughter is house- and pet-sitting. Today, she came over and knocked on my parents door. She’s in her mid-20s chronologically, but her disgust level rivaled that of any fifty-five year old office worker. “Do you need any meat?” She asked dispiritedly. “I’m sorry?” My mother … Continue reading Wherein we meet a cat
Scandal rocked Retirement Acres this week as not one but TWO petitions were circulated through the neighborhood. We shall examine them in no particular order. First we encounter Mrs V as she presents a petition ultimately destined for the city council to the evening gathering of neighborhood gentlemen. Having solved the world’s problems, they turn … Continue reading Retirement Acres vs The City
Previously on Tales From Retirement Acres: “Mom,” our hapless protagonist protested, “I’m on call and your house is in a technological black hole. And you don’t have WiFi.” “I know all that, but your grandmother thinks this is one of the last six times you’ll see her on this mortal plane, so—“ “Fine. Fine. I’ll … Continue reading A Call to the IT Department
Retirement Acres is the probably-not-fictional-enough neighborhood inhabited by my parents and an assorted cast of characters (human and pet) that suffer through far more adventures than should be statistically possible. These are some of their stories. Names have been changed to protect myself, because if they ever figure out the internet...I’m hosed.